Hearts a Mess
by sourcherryfame
Summary: a year after xmas special. Thomas and Jimmy's relationship has grown, but how will the dynamics between them change at the arrival of a handsome Marquis at Downton? Rated M for a reason. No homophobes please. rate & review.
1. Chapter 1

Synopsis: set a year after the Christmas special. Thomas and Jimmy have grown very close, and are now very dear friends. A Marquis arrives in Downton, how will his arrival affect Thomas and Jimmy's relationship?

Enjoy and please review! Love and constructive criticism welcomed.

Love XO

CHAPTER 1

"I still can't believe Mr. Carson agreed for us to go to the fair next week."

"Well, he didn't, at first, but Mrs. Hughes made a very good case, so he changed his mind."

"What did she say?"

Thomas looked at Jimmy with mild humor, "you are such a gossip James."

"I am not!" he defended himself with a smile, knowing all to well, what a lie that was, "I am just curious."

Thomas laughed, "No, you are a gossip."

"Come on now Thomas! We are friends are we not?"

"Mr. Barrow," Thomas reminded him, "and yes we are, but that …"  
"I am sorry, I forgot, no first names upstairs, but you still have to tell me."

"Why are you so curious about them anyway?'

"I don't know, just curious to know, what could Mrs. Hughes possibly say to change Mr. Carson's mind."

"She said nothing spectacular, just pointed out that everyone needs some cheering, that's all. Ever since Mr. Crawley died, this house hasn't seen much happiness."

"That is true, but I never thought Mr. Carson would agree, especially since we have a Marquis visiting Downton."

"Yes well, he is also not coming in good humor is he? Poor chap, his wife was killed a few months ago."

"I did not know that."

"Yes, well you ought to read the newspaper once in a while, you know, then you'll know everything."

"You know I hate those things, always the carriers of bad news, this person died, this person got killed, protests, politics, all of it."

"You talk as if, you not reading it, makes it all not real."

"Well it makes it not real to me Mr. Barrow." Jimmy said with a smile.

"You are a weird man Mr. Kent."

"You love me anyway Mr. Barrow."

Thomas looked at him, as awkward silence descended between them; Jimmy cursed himself for taking it too far.

"I am sorry, I didn't mean it that way… I mean as friends. You are my best friend here really… I am so sorry."

"It's fine James, I know what you meant, and there, the clock is fixed."

"Thank you, " Jimmy said with a smile.

"It's alright, you know I love clocks anyway."

"No not for the clock, but for forgiving me, I can be really be daft sometimes, I just …"

"I won't protest that, but it's okay, we all love our friends for who they are, no matter how daft," he said with his trademark smirk, making Jimmy laugh and putting an end to the awkward moment they shared, "now, we must go, the Marquis must be arriving anytime now."

Thomas looked around slightly amused at how serious everyone was about a man visiting Downton. He understood social rank, and its importance; he had been born and brought up in Britain after all. But still he never quite understood, how someone became important, not because of any achievement of his own, but because of pure luck of being born into it. He looked at Alfred, who was nervous, and fidgety beside Jimmy. He recalled the fascination, with which Alfred had talked about the arrival of the Marquis of Milford; he himself had been fascinated like that once. He had been curious to know about these great men and women. But now ten years, and a war later, this had no charm for him. The Marquis was just another man, a man he had to serve and serve him in the best way possible, but still just a man.

He looked at Jimmy, who was calm and collected, he admired that. Jimmy looked back at him for a second and smiled, Thomas smiled back before turning to look at the car that had stopped in front of Downton.

Thomas looked blankly at the car door opening, the Marquis stepped, out with a cane, he was soon hidden behind Alfred, who was standing in Thomas line of sight like a giant that he was. Lord Grantham and the Marquis were chatting away, maybe talking about the driveway, with the way Lord Grantham was pointing at it. He resisted yawning as he started staring mindlessly at spot, bored and irritated by how cold and windy it was.

"Meet Carson, the butler, and the oil that keeps Downton running smoothly," he heard The Lord saying when he turned his attention to the men that were now standing in front of them, on their way inside the house. His breath quickened as he finally laid his eyes on the Marquis, who was smiling at Mr. Carson. He could feel his cheeks getting warm, as his eyes travelled down the Marquis's body, liking what he saw, and wondering what it would be like without clothes. Thomas tried suppressing a smile of appreciation for him. When he heard his name being taken. He looked at Mr. Carson, and then back at the Marquis, who was now smiling at him.

"Nice to meet you Mr. Barrow, I hope I am not much of a trouble for you."

"Not at all my lord," he replied, as an uncontrollable smile spread across his face, "it will be my honor."

The party went inside, after their little interaction, but Thomas couldn't stop staring at him, as he walked inside, his eyes quickly glanced at the Marquis's derriere, which he regretted, as it just made him blush more.

"Right," Mr. Carson said in his usual authoritative tone, effectively breaking Thomas's spell, "James, Alfred, carry his Lordships bags to his room, Thomas supervise them, and make sure everything reaches the room safely."

Thomas nodded and started walking towards the car, when Jimmy whispered to him, "I don't understand the allure of the rank huh? For someone who doesn't care, you sure as well couldn't take your eyes off of him."

Thomas felt himself blushed as he stopped and turned towards Jimmy, embarrassed to even imagine that someone else, even if that someone was a friend, had noticed his girlish behavior.

"I don't know what you mean," Thomas answered, trying to deny it all.

"Oh, you know what I mean," Jimmy answered with a cheeky smile.

"Mind your own business James," he said, trying not to smile, "and go fetch his bags and bring them to his room, with Alfred."

Jimmy smiled, "as you say Mr. Barrow."

Thomas tried to keep a straight face as he unbuttoned the Marquis's shirt. With each button, he felt more and more excited, like he was opening a present. His eyes marveled at the Marquis's distinct collarbones, his shapely chest, his torso, he took a long breath and tried thinking about Mrs. Patmore, in an attempt to control himself. It had been so long since he had seen a man naked, and that man being a handsome Marquis, just made it more difficult for him to stop himself from staring at his abdomen, for a second longer than appropriate.

The Marquis cleared his throat, clearly noticing his gaze.

"Uh- I am sorry my Lord, I just…"

"It's fine, the scar warrant staring I guess… I don't think I would have been able to help myself from staring if I were you."

Thomas's gaze went to the scar the Marquis had on his abdomen, he had not noticed it, he was far too busy marveling at other things, but now that he had, he couldn't take his eyes off. The scar was a ghastly one.

The Marquis touched the scar, a look of self-loathing replaced the confident demeanor he had moments ago, "those bastards, left me a mark to remember that night forever…" he said with a pained expression on his face.

Thomas looked at the Marquis's face, moved by the sadness he saw, "I know about scars," he said, taking off his glove, and letting the Marquis look at his disfigured hand, "a souvenir of the war, not that I needed one. This thing reminds me everyday, of the horrors of those two years of my life."

Thomas looked into his eyes, both sharing a moment of understanding.

"Its nice to meet someone, who understands what's it's like to be reminded of your darkest hour everyday. Who might understand the loathing I feel of my own self," the marquis said finally.

Thomas just stared at him, taking a few seconds trying to think of the right words to say, "I hated this scar," he finally said, "this disfiguration, for a long time. Until I was made to realize, by a dear friend, that this scar is not a reminder of my darkest hour, but a reminder that I was able to survive through it all. It reminds me to be brave, and to remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark it gets…"

The marquis smiled at him, "I never saw it that way."

"I didn't either, it took months of convincing, for me to see it that way. I just wish someone would have told me this sooner, would have saved me years of self-loathing." He said, looking away from the piercing brown eyes of the marquis, and focusing it on his hand, as he wore his glove again.

"What is your name?" the marquis asked, still staring searchingly at Thomas.

"Barrow sir," he said walking away to fetch the dinner shirt that he had hanged on the chair.

"No," the marquis said, his gaze following Thomas, "I meant your first name."

Thomas looked at the Marquis, stunned for a second at the request.

"My first name my lord?" he asked again, unable to believe his ears, as he made his way back to the marquis.

"Yes, your first name." he smiled, as his let Thomas put his shirt on, "what is it?" he asked again, leaning towards him as Thomas buttoned his shirt, " Come on, don't tell me you are traditional, and are horrified at the thought of a Marquis daring to be so intimate and asking you for your first name."

Thomas couldn't help but smile as he went to fetch his cufflinks, "it is not like that my lord…"

"So tell me, I think I deserve to know the name of the wise man that gave me such helpful insight," he teased, " What is it? Charlie?" he guessed, "No you don't look like a Charlie, Jack maybe? Harry? John? No John is too tasteless for you, I have a feeling your name is something more exciting than, just plain John."

Thomas blushed as he helped the Marquis into his jacket, "It's Thomas," he said finally.

"Ah! Thomas," the Marquis turned to him with a smile, "It suits you."

They stared into each other's eyes before the Marquis leaned in just an inch, "well, Thomas," he said, " I am Louis."

Thomas mouth fell open at the intimacy of it all, " I –"

"No," Louis interrupted him, "someone who was kind to me, without pitying me for my scars, and who instead gave honest advice, he deserves to call me by my name, at least when we are alone."

Thomas looked down feeling shy at the honor, "I couldn't possibly."

"I'm not changing my mind," Louis said, stopping Thomas from making excuses, "Thomas you are going to help me put my clothes on for however I stay here, and you have already given me friendly advice, you might as well call me by my first name. Please, I insist, from now on it's Louis for you."

Thomas looked at him, and finally nodded, "Yes, Louis."

"That's better, Thomas. "

Thomas sighed, loving the quiet after a bustling day of work. He blushed as he thought about his interaction with Louis earlier in the evening. His heart raced, as he remembered his teasing smile, and his warm eyes. He closed his eyes, breathing in the crisp cold air, as his body warmed up at the thought of Louis's naked chest.

"What is the matter?"

Thomas almost shrieked at the sudden intrusion, "Has no one told you, not to walk up behind people?!" he asked, trying to catch his breath.

"They have, but scaring people is much to fun," Jimmy replied with a smile, as he stood beside Thomas, "now what is wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong, why should anything be wrong?"

"You only come out here when something is wrong and you don't want anyone around you."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I know that. I know you very well Thomas Barrow, now tell me."

"Its nothing, I just wanted to get away from you," Thomas replied, "because I loath you."

"Fine don't tell me," Jimmy replied, " and I won't tell you something fun about Alfred."

Thomas narrowed his eyes, "its Alfred, you really want me to believe that Alfred could have anything_ fun_ about him?"

Jimmy laughed, "its serious."

"It not, I'm sure he has just fallen in love with the new maid."

Jimmy laughed, "How did you know?"

Thomas pulled out a cigarette for himself and offered the pack to Jimmy who took one, "because…" he said pausing to light his cigarette, "he falls in love more times than Mr. Carson cleans the silver."

Jimmy laughed in agreement.

"You should tell him, if he fancies himself in love so many times, he won't really realize when he has_ actually_ fallen in love." Thomas said as he lit Jimmy's cigarette.

Jimmy took a drag before answering, "who is to say it is not love every one of those times?"

Thomas smirked at the comment.

"I happen to think it's brave," Jimmy replied.

"Please tell me you are being sarcastic."

"No, it's true, it takes courage to love, and more importantly, it takes courage to convey one's feelings. No matter how many times he falls in love, he does have the courage to express himself," he said looking at Thomas's profile with a pensive gaze.

Thomas himself reflected on the thought, for a second before nodding, "You do have a point", he agreed finally, looking straight at the darkness, "to love is a brave thing."

"It is, repeated Jimmy, he looked away from Thomas before continuing, "I hope someday, I have the courage too."

Thomas looked at him curiously, "to fall in love? Or to express it?"

"Both."

"Both? My, my Mr. Kent, seeing you flirt with all those maids, one would think you are the master of love and its expression."

Jimmy smiled and he started to blush, "_that_," he replied, "means nothing more than what it is, flirting. Don't let it fool you, I haven't found the right person to set my cap for."

"Hmm… yes you must be waiting for the fairest girl of them all," Thomas said, mocking him.

"So are you finally going to tell me why you were here?" Jimmy asked again, changing the topic.

It was Thomas's turn to turn red, "Oh! It was just a moment, the marquis and me had."

"What happened?"

"Well…" Thomas said, "I was unbuttoning his shirt… and I was lost for a moment staring at him."

Jimmy looked away from Thomas, flexing his neck, waiting for him to continue.

"He thought I was staring at his scar, and well he got very conscious about it," Thomas turned to Jimmy, who was looking out at the darkness, "and I showed him my hand, gave him your advice. I meant what I said to him, but there was still a part of me that felt like a liar," he took a deep breath as he tried to control his emotions, "There is a part if me that still hates my ugly hand, that feels like I was a coward for doing what I did. I felt like a hypocrite telling a man to be brave, when I chickened…"

"You did no such thing…" Jimmy interrupted him, "they were tough times Thomas, incredibly tough times, and what you did was for your own survival." He took Thomas's hand in his own, "you served your country to the best of your capabilities, and you should not judge yourself for what you did, because there is nothing wrong with choosing your own survival over going mad. As for your _ugly_ hand, I happen to think it's beautiful."

Thomas chuckled, "no you don't."

"No, I do, I see it as a man taking matters into his own hand, quite literally, to survive. Not to mention, you were of more help to the troops from here, by nursing them back to health, than you could have been, if you would have stayed in the trenches. So stop hating yourself. You are beautiful."

Thomas blushed, and looked into Jimmy's eyes, comforted by the warmth in them, "What would I do without you," he said smiling at his friend.

Jimmy let go of Thomas's hand, and looked away, "we should get to bed, long day ahead tomorrow, and you have the Marquis to look after too."

"He did do something else that was peculiar," stated Thomas, a smile spreading across his face.

"What may that be?"

"He asked me to call him Louis."

"Louis? His first name?"

Thomas nodded, "I was as stunned as you are."

"Why did he ask you to call him Louis?" Jimmy asked,

"The advice I gave him, and something about me helping him dress everyday, so I might as well call him Louis."

"That is odd, I hope you denied doing that."

"Why would I, he insisted that I do, and I have to accept, its a welcome change from saying lord after everything, ' yes lord', 'no my _lord_', Louis is a nice change."

Jimmy shifted uncomfortably, "Its not right Thomas."

Thomas narrowed his eyes, a smile spreading across his face, "You look jealous, Jimmy."

"Why would I be jealous? You can call anybody, whatever you want, its up to the persona and you isn't it, and this doesn't concern me."

"Relax, I just joking around."

"I am sorry, I am just tired I guess," Jimmy smiled, "we should go to bed now, its late."

Thomas nodded, "yes it has been a eventful day."


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you everyone for such amazing and encouraging reviews/comments/favorites etc. you guys are amazing!

Here is the second installment. Hope you guys like it! Enjoy!

Reviews+ criticism welcomed.

Love to all XO

Ps. Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes, I have been writing this all night long, so there are bound to be some problems, but I am too sleepy to re-read again, and I want you guys to get an update today… anyway enjoy!

CHAPTER 2

"Stop rolling your eyes."

"I am not rolling my eyes."

"Yes you are, I can tell, you are rolling your eyes."

"Fine, I was rolling my eyes, but can you blame me?" Thomas whispered to Jimmy, "a puppy is less obvious in its affections for people."

Jimmy coughed to hide his laughter, as Alfred continued his attempt at small talk with the maid.

"Don't be mean Mr. Kent, don't laugh at your brave friend."

"Shut up."

"I will, if he stops making an utter fool of himself. You know what?" he turned to look at Jimmy, "you should talk to him about it, tell him to stop making it so easy for me to make fun of him."

"Will you stop being so horrid?"

"I am not being horrid, I am serious. You are the master of flirting, so give him some damn tips. It is actually getting painful, watching him desperately flirt with Belle."

Jimmy sighed, "You are right, watching them feels like watching a car crash, he is just spoiling his chances with a beautiful girl by being so hopelessly eager."

"Oh? You find her beautiful?"

Jimmy cleared his throat, "Yeah, I guess so."

"You guess so? Jimmy, you either find her beautiful or you don't."

"Fine, she is beautiful."

"Then why don't you try your luck? She does find you handsome."

Jimmy rolled his eyes, "She does not."

"She stares at you," Thomas said, "Don't tell me you didn't notice, you thrive for attention."

"No I didn't, I was busy."

"With what?"

Jimmy cleared his throat before answering, "something else."

Thomas stared at him curiously, "You know what? Coming to think of it, you haven't shamelessly flirted with anyone for a long time now."

"That is not true."

"Well, not in front of me you haven't, and we spend an awful lot of time together. You should try with Belle, you two will look good together, she is beautiful, and you're beautiful."

"There are other things besides being beautiful," Jimmy answered, "and she is beautiful, but not really my type, I don't fancy blondes."

"No? Then what do you prefer? Brunettes?"

Jimmy looked at Thomas, "Brunettes are nice I suppose, but I love ebony haired more."

"Hmm..." Thomas gave it a thought for a second, "ebony is good I suppose," he smiled before adding, "Louis is ebony haired."

Jimmy shifted in his seat, "I didn't notice."

"You didn't?" Thomas smiled, "how could you miss his beautiful ebony curls?"

"I don't know," Jimmy replied, "maybe you noticed enough for both of us. What is with you anyway? You talk an awful lot about _Louis_."

Thomas sipped his tea, "Nothing, we are just getting along good, that's all."

Before Jimmy could say anything else, Mrs. Hughes reminded Thomas that he was getting late, effectively putting an end to the conversation.

Thomas smiled as he climbed the stairs up towards Louis's room. He could feel butterflies flutter in his stomach and the smile on his face getting bigger with each step that he took. He wanted to tell Jimmy what it was between the Marquis and him, but he didn't understand it himself to explain it to another person.

How does one explain feelings? He asked himself, especially feelings that are in fleeting moments…

He smiled as he thought about the small touches and looks that he shared with Louis, and how in those moments his heart raced, how he couldn't help but smile. But he didn't know what was between them, he desired Louis, but who wouldn't desire a man so handsome, but he didn't know how Louis felt. There were moments when the way Louis looked at him, made him think that maybe…

He stood outside Louis's door and took a deep breath in an effort to calm his nerves before he went in.

"He is just a noble man, and you are his valet, you can do this, you have seen many men change, it is ok," he whispered to himself, before knocking on Louis's door.

"Come in."

Thomas opened the door, "shall I," his voice trailed as he saw Louis sitting half naked on the chair, basking in the sunshine that streamed through the windows.

Thomas eyes travelled across Louis's body, when he turned to him with a smile, making matters more difficult for Thomas, who shifted on his feet.

"it is a great day isn't it Mr. Barrow?" Louis asked.

Thomas nodded, "yes it is," he replied, marveling at Louis's shapely abdomen, "it definitely is."

"Thomas, I would love to go for a walk right now, would you care to join me?"

"I-"

"Please Thomas, I insist, I would need assistance, and I do prefer no one now but you for that."

Thomas blushed, "ok, Louis."

"The fair will have a carousel, I would for you to come with me on it," Alfred asked Belle, who just smiled and looked away.

"A carousel sounds so childish, doesn't it Jimmy?" she asked, looking at the blond, who was leaning against the wall, smiling to himself, oblivious to what was around him.

"Jimmy?" belle asked touching his arm.

"Uh?" he looked at her, "what is it?"

"A carousel, Alfred said there will be a carousel at the fair, don't you think that is childish?"

"It is childish, but childish can be good sometimes. Nothing bad in reliving your days of innocence," answered Jimmy.

"Exactly!" Alfred agreed, "That's why you should come with me."

Jimmy nodded, "yes Belle, you should go with Alfred."

Belle kept looking at Jimmy, "Whom will you go with?"

"Me?" the first and only name that came to his mind, was of Thomas, "I uh- I will just…"

"Why don't I come with you? Daisy wants to be with Alfred anyway, we should go together."

Jimmy smiled, "No, I will just be spending the day with Thomas, you should go with Alfred."

"Why Thomas? Come on Jimmy we can have so much fun together."

Jimmy straightened, "that's Mr. Barrow to you Belle, and I want to spend the day with a good friend, so I suggest you go with Alfred."

Belle sighed and walked away.

Jimmy looked at Alfred, "I am sorry."

"Why should you be, it's her who should be sorry."

"Why do you tolerate her nonsense anyway? She is so rude."

"I know, I just really like her."

"She doesn't deserve it, you should ask Daisy. She really likes you."

"Daisy? You think she will agree?"

"She will," Jimmy reassured with a smile.

"What about you? Are you going to ask Ivy? Since you just said no to Belle."

"No," he answered, "I will just be with Thomas."

"Mr. Barrow? You will be with him in the fair? You can ask any girl and she will be happy to go with you, but you would rather be with Mr. Barrow?"

Jimmy shrugged, "We both are friends Alfred."

"We both are friends too, but we don't spend so much time together, and I certainly won't spend time with you in the fair if I can help it."

"Alfred, me and Thomas are different, we are very good friends. And to be honest I don't like Belle, Daisy and you are far to good together, leaving only Ivy, and I don't know," he buried his hands in his pockets, "I don't feel like that for her anymore."

"Whatever you want."

Jimmy smiled, "Shouldn't you be happy? With me asking no one, you have more chances of getting a yes."

Alfred smiled, "that is true," he said, as he walked away, going towards the kitchens.

Jimmy looked away, a smile slightly as he wondered whether Thomas had ever sat on a carousel.

"I love this weather," Louis stated with a smile, "don't you just love this weather?" he asked Thomas, who was walking beside him, keeping quiet.

"Hmm…"

"I thought we were friends Thomas," he said, at Thomas's response.

"We are…"

"Then why are you not talking to me? Talk to me," Louis said, turning to Thomas.

"I… I just don't know what to say."

Louis smiled, "say anything, something if better than 'hmm'."

"Uh…"

"Thomas, come on!"  
"Why do you like this weather?"

"Why won't anyone like sunshine?"

Thomas smiled, "yes, everyone likes sunshine, but you seem more excited about than others."

Louis smiled, "well," he looked into Thomas's eyes, "maybe I have something more than just sunshine to be happy about."

"And what is that?"

"What is it's a secret?"

"You don't have to tell me," Thomas answered.

"What if I want to tell you my secret?" Louis asked, taking a step towards Thomas.

Thomas's breath quickened, "then, you can."

Louis looked deep into his eyes, "maybe you can't handle the secret?"

Thomas nodded, "maybe I can't, but how will you know for sure until you tell me."

"Do you want me to tell you?"

"Do you want to tell me?" asked Thomas, unsure of where they were going.

Louis smiled, "your cheeks," he said changing the topic.

"My cheeks?"

"They are red," Louis said.

"Uh…" Thomas looked away, "it's because of the walking," he said looking back. He felt his mouth go dry peculiar manner. He felt naked under his gaze, which just made him blush more.

"I thought so," Louis finally said, "unless its something else, and you are not being truthful."

"Why would I lie?"

"That's for you to know and me to find out,"

Thomas just stared at Louis, scared if his attraction had been too obvious.

But Louis soon burst out laughing, "God your expression! I am sorry I was just pulling your leg."

Thomas sighed with relief, and started laughing himself, "you cheeky … " he stopped realizing who it was, "sorry, I didn't mean to."

"Don't apologize, I like being called cheeky, suits me don't you think?"

Thomas just blushed and looked away.

They started walking again, when Louis sighed, making Thomas look him with concern, "is your leg hurting?"

"No," he answered, staring at the sky, "I do love sunshine because it reminds me of Jane."

"Jane? Your wife?"

Louis nodded.

"You don't have to tell me."

Louis looked at him thoughtfully before answering, "I want to…"

Thomas smiled, "how was she?"

"She was the most loving person, I have ever known, she was my best friend. She knew everything about me, and loved me nonetheless," his voice trailed off, as he looked away.

Thomas walked in silence, wanting to give him his space, knowing the pain of loosing someone who you love.

"I still, think about what I could have done."

"To save her?"

Louis nodded, "I am haunted by her face right before that bastard stabbed her, she was so scared, I wanted to hold her, but…"

"You shouldn't do that, you could not have done anything. Sometimes its just people's turn to leave us."

"I know, but I can't help myself…"

"Give yourself time, it'll happen," Thomas said soothingly.

Louis looked at him, and smiled weakly, "how is it that since I have come to Downton, whenever I sad, you are there to guide me? Help me?"

Thomas smiled, "coincidences?"

"I don't believe in coincidence Thomas, I think we were meant to meet."

Thomas looked away, unsure of how to react to that statement, "We should go back, it's almost time for luncheon," he finally said, changing the subject.

Louis nodded before following Thomas back to Downton, smiling.

"Have you ever been on a carousel?" Jimmy asked as he sat next to Thomas.

"Carousel?" Thomas, "you asked me to stay back, after everyone's gone to their rooms, then wait for you to make tea, so you can ask me if I have been on a merry-go-round?"

"Just answer the question Thomas."

He thought for a second, "when I was a child, yes. But why are you asking me?"

"Alfred said that there will be carousel at the fair, would you like to go on it?" Jimmy asked, looking at his cup of tea.

Thomas smiled, "carousel? I don't know…"

"Come on Thomas, its just a merry –go-round…" Jimmy looked across the table and smiled at Thomas, "its just a ride, something childish, and fun, just a good laugh. Won't you join me?"

Thomas smiled looking away, "you cheeky little bastard," he said, making them both laugh.

"So?" Jimmy asked.

Thomas looked at him, "I will alright. I will accompany you to the merry go round."

"Thank you," Jimmy whispered, staring into Thomas's eyes.

Thomas felt his breathing get heavy as they continued staring at each other, he looked away, but he could still feel Jimmy' eyes on him.

"Uh…" Thomas began as he took out a cigarette, "what about Alfred?" he asked changing the subject,

"What about him?" Jimmy asked, finally looking away.

"I heard him say he would ask Belle… did he?"

"Yes, and she was, as usual rude to him, and turned and asked me instead."

"You? And what did you say?" Thomas asked, before taking a drag from his cigarette.

"I told her I wanted to spend the day with you, and she should go with Alfred."

"You want to spend the day with me? Why? Just ask any girl, ask Ivy, she would love that, and you both used to flirt all the time."

Jimmy shifted in his seat, "I told you, that is just flirting, it has no real meaning attached to it. I don't like Ivy that way. I just want to spend the day with you- a friend, and not have to worry about saying the right thing, or doing the right thing, just be myself."

Thomas smiled, "well, if that's what you want, then you can enjoy being yourself with me. So what about Alfred? Did Belle say yes finally?"

"No, she just walked away when I refused her."

"So what will he do?"

"I told him to ask Daisy."

"Daisy?"

"Yeah, she was in love with him, wasn't she? And they would be great together. Unless she doesn't love him anymore, unless she had moved on," he looked at Thomas, "do you think she has moved on?"

Thomas looked back at Jimmy, "I don't know, but love is a powerful feeling, you can't stop loving somebody in an instant."

"Even if they were horrible? Even if they overlooked you or didn't realize how they felt? Even when they hurt you…"

Thomas pondered for a second before answering, "depends on your devotion for that person really. For me, love is … a beautiful emotion, not a fleeting feeling, and I don't know how to stop it. It's not some switch that you can turn off, even if you've been hurt, you just have to wait for it to fade away."

"Well for Alfred's sake I hope its not faded away for Daisy," Jimmy whispered.

"Have you ever been in love?" Thomas asked.

"Me? Why do you ask?"

"Well, you know that I have fallen in love, but I don't know about you. I just wondered."

Jimmy thought about it for a few seconds, before finally looking at Thomas, "I don't think I have."

"Never? Come on now Jimmy, you must have fallen in love at least once."

Jimmy shrugged, "never, I have liked women, but I haven't felt anything spectacular. I haven't ever stopped in my tracks seeing someone, or anything."

"Come on Jimmy! Someone must come to your mind."

Jimmy smiled as recalled a memory, "well, I don't know why, but this time comes to my mind."

"What time?"

"I was a child, nine or ten years old," Jimmy smiled at the thought of that day, he hadn't thought about it since ages, "I had a friend, we kissed once. Somehow that was the most alive I have ever felt. I have been with several women since then, but I have never felt like that…"

Thomas smiled, "first love is always closest to our heart. So what happened between you and this girl?"

Jimmy stopped smiling, "my father caught us, and he dragged me home, and beat me senseless."

"I am sorry…"

Jimmy smirked, "don't be, it wasn't the first, but yes, it was one of the last times that he did that. He died soon after."

They both looked into each other's eyes, Jimmy found it comforting staring at Thomas's brown kind eyes.

He looked away after a few seconds, "So how was yours?"

"My father?"

"Thomas, I know that your father was a loving and kind clockmaker in Bristol, why will I ask about him again?"

"Then what are you asking about?"

"Your first love you knob head," Jimmy said with a smile, "who was it?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"I am sorry, you don't have to tell me, if you don't want to."

"One," Thomas answered, looking away, not wanting to see Jimmy's expression at his confession, he feared he would see disgust in his eyes, and that was the last thing he wanted to relive in his life, "I have only ever _been_ with one man."

"Who was he?"

"A duke."

"A duke? What happened?"

Thomas smirked at the memory, "I was just a summer fling, and when summer got over he threw me away like old socks… like I was nothing…" Thomas let his voice trail away

Jimmy held Thomas's hand, and squeezed it slightly.

"You can tell me anything Thomas, whatever you feel like."

"I have never told this to anybody, I kept it all to myself."

"We all have secrets Thomas, but now then, we should share a few and relieve ourselves or those burdens."

Jimmy looked at Thomas, and his sad expression broke his heart, he wanted to comfort his friend, but he knew silence was the best solution. But a nagging question finally made him speak.

"Thomas? Were you in love with this Duke?"

A tear escaped Thomas's eye as he nodded, "my first love…"

Jimmy looked away, "I am sorry…"

"Why are you sorry? Some people are just born with rotten luck for in love. My first love booted me out the bedroom, the man I met after that killed himself, and you, I haven't seen a man so in love with women as you are," Thomas looked at Jimmy, "I have a nasty feeling that I will die alone," he said wiping his tears, as a smile spread across his face.

Jimmy smiled, "No you won't."

"Yes I will, I have already lived ten years without love."  
"Well, things are different now aren't they?"

"What do you mean?"

"We have each other… the man unlucky in love and the man who hasn't fallen in love yet."

"Yes," Thomas nodded, "but someday you will…"

"I won't bet on that."

"Why would you say that?"

"I don't know, I just always had this feeling that I am going to be one of those people who never fall in love, who never find the right person."

"That is the most rubbish thing I have heard. Jimmy you will someday fall in love. Someday, hopefully not far from now, you will find yourself smiling at the thought of someone; you will be up late thinking about being with her. You will want to spend all your time with that girl, and seeing smile would make butterflies flutter in your stomach. More importantly, she will become your support, she will be the person your want to talk to and be with in trouble. And life will just start to be rosier… and don't say you won't fall in love, because you will, and she will feel all of it too. And you both will be very happy."

Jimmy smiled, "wow, you should have gotten into writing. You could have been like Oscar Wilde."

"I am serious, being in love is beautiful and to have that person feel the same way is even more beautiful, don't keep yourself from that."

Jimmy smiled, "Fine, I won't, if you promise to not sulk in your past."

"That is a promise."

"Good."

Thomas smiled, "I can't even believe it."

"Believe what?"

"That we are sitting here, holding hands, talking. I never thought I would have anyone to really talk to, much less you."

"I know things were horrible with us, but we have come a long way, from not even looking at each other to talking, alone at midnight. "

"Oh I didn't mean that. I meant- I never thought you could say something intelligent."

Jimmy smacked Thomas, "Shut up!" he said as they both laughed.

"We should go to bed," Thomas stated.

"Yeah…" Jimmy nodded, "we should."

Thomas got up and stretched his back, and looked a=back at Jimmy, who was still sitting smiling him.

"What?"

"We should do this more…"

"What?" Thomas asked again.

"Talk."

"Jimmy, I don't know if you noticed, but off late we talk a lot."

"Yes, we do, we talk, we banter, we gossip. But tonight we opened to each other. I don't know about you, but I find it difficult to that with everyone."

Thomas nodded, "You are right…"


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry for not updating sooner, I'm crushed under Uni work, so this chapter was written in tiny bits and pieces. Again hank you everyone for such amazing and encouraging reviews/comments/favorites etc. you guys are amazing!

Hope you guys like it! Enjoy!

I have taken some liberties, in moving the plot along faster, hope you guys don't mind much.

Reviews+ criticism welcomed.

Love to all XO

Chapter 3

"Where have you been? I have been looking for you all over," Thomas looked at Jimmy, and instinctively knew something was bothering him, "what happened? Why are you sitting here all alone?"

Jimmy clenched his jaw before replying, "you know what happened."

"I am sorry, I…"

"Why the hell are you saying sorry? It's him who should be apologizing to you. He had no business, asking you in front of everybody! You didn't have a choice, you had to say no to that ass…"

"Jimmy…" Thomas said, "Mind your language."

"Since when do you care about language when it is between the two of us? We both have called Mr. Carson worst things in moments of frustration."

"That is not the point, you don't have to be this frustrated... he just asked me."

"He asked you, yes, but he asked in front of everybody, you had no choice but to say yes to go to the fair with him."

"I am not going to the fair,_ with_ him, as much as helping him navigate through it."

"Are you," Jimmy took a deep breath, in an effort to calm himself before he continued, "Thomas, it is the same thing, whether you help him navigate, or you two hold hands like love birds, the question is that he sprung it on you."

Thomas turned away, in the hope that Jimmy won't see him blush at the mention of him and Louis holding hands as lovebirds, "Jimmy you are being ridiculous, there are going to be many fairs that will come and go, we can spend time together in the next one." Thomas turned to him, and smiled, "don't get upset about this."

"It is not just that…"

"Then what?"

Jimmy looked away, trying to find the correct words, "he…"

"He what? Jimmy come on, just leave, its just a fair, just a few hours," Thomas patted his back, before walking away, "come in when you feel better," he yelled before he went inside leaving Jimmy alone again.

Jimmy clenched his jaw in irritation as he thought about the luncheon. He recalled the way Louis had looked at Thomas as he served food with, as Alfred had taken ill. The way Louis had smiled at Thomas, when he had said, "Thomas will take good care of me." Jimmy felt his anger increasing, as he continued thinking about it. Jimmy didn't know exactly what it was that perturbed him so much, or what Louis had meant, but he knew he didn't like it.

"This is a spectacular fair," Louis said as he looked around, he smiled as he saw a child run by, "I miss my son seeing all of this."

Thomas looked at the child with mild distaste, "oh… your son is young?"

"Yes, he is six years old."

"Where is he?"

"With his grandmother, my mother insisted that Charlie stay with her as I recuperate, here at Downton. Charlie is a handful, I wouldn't have a moment of peace and quiet for any healing."

Thomas smiled, "does he miss his mother?"

Louis looked at Thomas, who stared back, feeling awkward at the realization that he may have asked something too personal, "I am sorry," he began, "if I am being too forward."

"No," Louis said, "No, you are not."

"You don't have to answer if it's too private."

"I feel like I have nothing to hide from you Thomas," he said with a smile, "from the moment we met, I have felt like we have known each other for years for some reason. I feel like I can trust you with anything…"

Thomas blushed at the intimacy of the confession.

"Do you feel the same way?" Louis asked, as he continued to stare at Thomas.

"Uh… I don't trust people easily," he answered hesitatingly.

"But do you trust me?"

"What if I say, I don't quite yet."

Louis smiled, "I'll say, I hope someday you can trust me, as much as I trust you."

Thomas looked away, hiding his blush, "oh look, it's the merry-go-round," he said changing the subject, "do you want to go on it?"

"I would love to, but my leg won't allow me."

"Oh of course, I am sorry."

"Thomas, will you stop saying sorry? You can never say anything to warrant an apology to me. Now where can we get some good cider?"

Thomas smiled, "straight ahead."

Jimmy stared at Thomas and Louis from a distance, as they both bought cider. He felt his anger rise, as Thomas laughed at something Louis said.

"What are you doing standing alone?"

Jimmy turned to see Alfred next to him, he smiled, "what are you doing here, I thought you were unwell."

"Yes, well, I can't serve with one hand sprained, but I can come to a fair."

"Good see you here," Jimmy replied, he turned back to Thomas and Louis, who were still standing next to the cider stall, "you enjoying?"

"yes," Alfred answered, "but what are you looking at?"

"oh… nothing really, just admiring the view."

"Jimmy you have been following the Marquis and Mr. barrow around all day. Don't think I haven't noticed."

Jimmy looked at his friend, "I have done no such thing. I am just enjoying the fair, that's it."

Alfred raised his eyebrow and gave Jimmy a knowing look.

Jimmy sighed, "Fine, I have been."

"But why?"

"I just…" Jimmy turned to the two of them again, "I just don't like the Marquis."

"Why? He is a good man, is always sweet to everyone."

"And too sweet to others," Jimmy whispered to himself.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing, I just want to make sure the Thomas doesn't need some extra help with the Marquis that's all."

They both started staring at Thomas and Louis, before Alfred spoke again.

"If I have to be honest with you," he began, " I would think those two were love birds. If I didn't know any better."

Jimmy turned to Alfred, "what do you mean?"

"We know the Marquis is a good man, a normal man, not like Mr. Barrow. He had a wife, and has a child and everything. If it were not for that, I would have thought them to be in love, the way they are standing, talking, laughing together. And how they spend so much time together even at Downton."

Hearing that made something within Jimmy snap, a horrid feeling grew in his heart. He turned towards Thomas again, and seeing him laugh with Louis made his anger grow. He took a deep breath and turned his face to Alfred again, "well, you don't know any better, do you now?" he said scathingly.

"Why are you getting angry at me? I am just saying..."

"Why are you saying anything about something you don't know about? Stop saying nonsense."

"Don't get angry at me, I don't mean ill, in fact, now that I know Mr. Barrow, I think he is a good person, and he deserves to be happy, I am just…"

"Just what? Stop using your brains about matters you know nothing of Alfred," with that Jimmy stalked off.

Jimmy sat, fidgeting, on his bed, the images of Thomas and Louis kept popping in his head, making his blood boil.

He kept thinking about how Louis had looked at Thomas, how his eyes had never left Thomas at luncheon. How they both were laughing and having a great time today. The more he thought about it the more frustrated he felt. Alfred's words came to his mind, "_I would think those two were love birds."_

He got up and walked around, in a desperate effort to calm his nerves as he kept thinking about what Alfred had said.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean!" he shouted finally, as he threw his pillow at the wall in frustration, causing a lone painting to fall to the ground, its glass shattering with a loud noise. He paced in his room for a few minutes before Mrs. Hughes walked in.

"What is this ruckus about?" she asked sternly.

"Mrs. Hughes it's none of your business."

"James that is no way of talking," she said, "you are throwing things about, shouting and using unspeakable words, this is not accepted in Downton. So this _is_ my business. Now, do you want to answer me, or do you want to answer me in front of Mr. Carson later."

Jimmy looked at her, he knew she won't stand down, and so he finally replied, "I cannot tell you, not as Mrs. Hughes from Downton anyway."

She sighed and walked in; closing the door behind her, "then tell me as someone you know, and someone who is concerned for you."

He looked at her; he knew he could talk to her, she had been so kind to Thomas as well, but didn't quite know how to say it.

"Don't you…" he started awkwardly, " think," he paused, "that the Marquis is being…"

"James we do not have all day. Is the Marquis rude? Did he say something?"

"No, I just… don't you think he is being _over _friendly to Thomas?"

"What do you mean?"

"How do I explain…"

"James, I have heard worse things than this, so will you please be kind enough and tell me what is it."

Jimmy took a deep breath, "he is over kind to Thomas, and he even asked him to call him by his name. And yesterday, the way he was looking at Thomas… his eyes never left Thomas. Today, the way they were laughing and talking…"

"What are you implying James?"

"I- I don't know exactly, I just don't feel it's right. I don't like the way he looked at Thomas, I don't like the way he touched his arm yesterday to say thank you, or the way he smiled at him. I just, don't feel right about his getting so over friendly with Thomas. And Thomas doesn't see it! It's like he doesn't notice the way the Marquis looks at him, or stares at him…"

"Or," Mrs. Hughes said, interrupting Jimmy, "are you afraid that Thomas notices and that he enjoys the way he is being looked at by the Marquis?"

Jimmy looked at her with a confused expression, "what?"

"James, have you thought that Thomas notices that the Marquis stares at hi, as you say, and that he likes it? Have you thought that Thomas is very aware of the attention he may be getting, and he is welcoming it?"

"No, I haven't thought of that, because Thomas will never welcome anything."

"Why not?"

"Because…"

"Because what? We all know that Thomas…likes men," she continued, smiling as she noticed Jimmy clench his teeth, "you, know that better than anyone. What of Thomas likes the Marquis?"

"Thomas can never, he will never like the Marquis."

"Why not?"

"Because he loves…" Jimmy stopped midsentence.

"What? Loves you?" Mrs. Hughes said, smiling, she continued, "have you ever thought, that maybe, after a year, of everything that has happened. Thomas doesn't love you anymore. That he has probably started liking the Marquis."

Jimmy clenched his jaw in response.

"And the bigger question then is- why are you so upset about this possibility."

"Because its not true," replied Jimmy finally.

"James, why are you so upset about the possibility that Thomas may like someone else now?" she asked again.

Jimmy stared into her eyes, as her implication dawned on him, "you are crazy Mrs. Hughes if you think that," he replied quickly, "I am just concerned for a friend."

"Thomas is my friend too James, seeing him happy with someone, makes me happy, that is not what you are feeling though is it?"

"Mrs. Hughes…"

"James I have been seeing both of you this past year, you both have gotten very close."

"Because we are friends, Mrs. Hughes. The problem here is a over friendly Marquis, not me."

"James, all I know is that the Marquis is a very kind man. I have known him since his childhood, and no one can be a more gentle soul than him, so Thomas is in no danger, even if you are right about the Marquis. In my opinion, that is not the real question here though… You and Thomas have grown so close together."

"Because we are friends Mrs. Hughes! We are friends…"

"Friends don't flirt the way you two do with each other. Seeing a friend with another person does not drive one to frenzy, like the one you are in right now. James, you need to seriously ask yourself, if Thomas is more than a friend to you, because if he is not, you need to stop being a flirt with him, and let him be happy with someone else. But he is more than a friend to you, than you need to accept it, and do something about it, before its too late." With than she turned around and walked out of the room.

Jimmy stared, dumbfounded, as Mrs. Hughes departed from his room. He took deep breaths, as her words echoed in his mind. He suddenly felt like the world was spinning around him uncontrollably and he felt dizzy making him slump on his knees on the ground. His stomach turned violently and before he knew it the entire contents of his stomach was on his bedroom floor.

He crawled away, and before he could reach his bed, he crumbled to the ground as his knees gave in. His mind raced, every moment with Thomas flashed across his mind. , he remembered the way Thomas smiled at him, the sound of his laugh. The way his touch felt…

"What if she is right?" he whispered to himself, "what if I am…"


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry you guys had to wait so long for an update- but here it is, and I hope you guys will like it.

Thank you everyone once again for such amazing and encouraging reviews/comments/favorites etc. you guys are amazing!

Here is the fourth installment.

Reviews+ criticism welcomed.

Love to all XO

CHAPTER 4

"What if I am?"

Jimmy sat on the floor, as still as a statue, as the implication of the mere thought of him being in love with Thomas raced through his mind. He thought about Thomas, and how being with him made him feel. He thought about how he had felt in all the moments he had shared with Thomas, from making fun of other people, to poking fun at each other, to talking, talking about everything and anything. To just the moments of silence they had shared, where they had just sat together, doing their own thing, and how even those moments of insignificant silence bought a smile to his face.

But is that love? He thought to himself. Is all of that love, the way love is supposed to be between a man and a woman? Yes, he loved spending time with Thomas and they did have their moments of banter, but was that cheeky banter flirting? Had he unknowingly fallen in love? But how could that be? How could anyone fall in love without knowing that they had fallen in love?

He remembered all the times he had fancied a woman, and how he had instantly known that he had wanted someone, how his body had let him know that he had fancied someone. His heart had raced, his palm had sweated, and how he had blushed, and felt hot all over. He never felt like that about Thomas. Never had his heart raced, his palms sweated or he had felt an uncontrollable desire to touch Thomas… But then he had never wanted to comfort a woman, never wanted to take all their sorrows away, or to protect them from everything, never had he held a woman's hand as they shared their sad secrets, he had never even been interested in their secrets…

He remembered Thomas's face, his smile, and how his eyes came alive as he laughed, and in spite of the dizziness he felt, Jimmy couldn't help but smile.

He felt like Mrs. Hughes words, had opened a floodgate, a gate he didn't want opened, but now that it was, he couldn't stop thinking. He couldn't stop going through every moment he could think of with him, and nitpicking at everything he had done or Thomas had done, and asking himself, did he? Had he felt something? Had he wanted more than just friendship? Had he wanted Thomas but had locked that realization somewhere deep in his mind and not let himself think about it?

"What if she is right?" he whispered to himself, "what if I do… but I didn't know… or didn't let myself know… But…" He rested his head against the wall suddenly feeling sick again.

He remembered the way Alfred had looked at him when he had caught Thomas in his room. How disgusted he had been. How Mr. Carson, had reacted to Thomas, calling him foul. And it was _foul_, he thought to himself, a man and a man…

"No…I can't be, I can't be … I have always liked women, slept with women, wanted… only women," he said to himself, trying to sound convincing.

* * *

"So the Duke put his pants down to show that he is most definitely not a small man and that Dunham had been lying to everyone!"

Thomas couldn't stop laughing, "you are lying!"

"I most certainly am not! That man is so daft he cannot even get a simple joke!"

"No one can be that stupid!" he managed to say, as he tried unsuccessfully to stop laughing.

"Well he is," Louis, said with a smile, "I hope strength for the poor woman who has married him."

"Stop, I cannot breath!"

Thomas finally managed to control his laughter when he noticed the way the Marquis was looking at him, "I am sorry, the story was just too funny."

Louis smiled, "don't be sorry for laughter, especially a laugh like that."

They stared at each other, before Thomas looked away, "we should go towards the car," he said trying to distract from what he felt.

"You should laugh more often, it suits you Barrow," Louis said, smiling cheekily at Thomas, who blushed uncontrollably at the comment.

* * *

Thomas smiled as he remembered the day he had spent with Louis. It had been one of the best days of his life, a day he will remember with stark clarity till the very end of his time. He didn't remembered feeling so happy, and so at ease, since a long time. He didn't know what would happen with Louis, but he would always love him for giving him such a spectacular day. He walked towards his room, his steps more bouncy than usual out of the joy he felt, he almost made it to the door, when he decided against it and instead knocked on Jimmy's door, bursting to tell his friend about the day he had had.

_He heard a creek, outside his door, his eyes had opened immediately, he was still, trying to hear if the floor board would creek again, and when he had given up, and thought it to be a figment of his imagination, the floor had creaked again, and the door was gently pushed open. He wanted to get up, and see whom it was, but out of fear and a weird sense of excitement he stayed still, his eyes closed, pretending to be asleep._

_He heard the footsteps, then he heard the door close, he wondered if whomever it was had gone back, but a second later, he heard footsteps again. He felt his excitement rise, as the footsteps grew closer, he wondered who it was, when he felt someone sit next to him. His breathing quickened, at the thought of someone else on his bed, when he caught the person's scent. He instantly knew who it was; after all he had sat next to him countless times to know that the musky aroma with a hint of lavender belonged to Thomas, and that knowledge did nothing but quicken his heart beat. He felt himself get hot with anticipation, when Thomas finally moved, and before he could make sense of what was happening Jimmy felt Thomas's lips on his._

_He opened his eyes, and moved his face away from Thomas's, looking into his eyes. He felt warmth spread through his body as he stared into the brown eyes that looked back at him, questioningly, waiting… hoping that he had not made a mistake, hoping that he would kiss him back. But Jimmy didn't move he didn't say anything, too shocked by what had happened, which Thomas took as a no, because he began to move away, muttering apologies._

_Jimmy sat up, realizing that he didn't want him to go, he whispered his name, "don't…" he said, looking into his eyes, and then at his lips, Jimmy held the back of Thomas's neck, "don't apologize, just, don't say anything…" with that he pulled Thomas into a kiss._

_Jimmy felt like an explosion of desire, lust and wanting had taken place within him, as soon as his lips had touched Thomas's. He felt hungry for Thomas, his hands raked through his black hair, as the kiss deepened, he pulled him close to his body. Thomas moved his lips over to his neck, kissing, licking biting, making him moan his name, when Thomas suddenly stopped doing what he was doing and looked at him._

"_Thomas… what?" Jimmy asked, feeling slightly upset that Thomas had abruptly put an end to what was happening._

_That's when Jimmy heard a knock, a slight knock at first, but which suddenly grew louder, and louder…until…_

* * *

Jimmy opened his eyes, and looked around, his eyes hurt, and he felt dazed as he tried to make sense of what was happening, when he heard Thomas's voice outside his door.

He got up, stumbling a little as he bolted towards the door, not wanting Thomas to come in. He opened the door slightly and walked outside, forcing a smiling at his friend, who looked at him, worried.

"You all right?" he asked after a second.

"Yes, yes…I was just…" he said, hesitating slightly, as his mind started thinking about the dream he was having before Thomas's knocking woke him up.

"Just what?" Thomas asked, "You look so tired, are you feeling alright?"

"No, I am fine, I just fell asleep, I guess, I-I was thinking, and I just fell asleep."

"You sure?"

"Yes, Just had a …"

"Bad dream?"

Jimmy looked at Thomas, and nodded.

Thomas smiled, "well then, I think you should freshen up, it's almost time for dinner. I wanted to tell you something, but it can wait until after. Do you want to meet me outside after dinner so we can talk?"

"Yeah… that'll be okay."

"You sure you are not unwell? You look white, like you just saw a ghost or something," Thomas asked again.

"No, no…it was just," Jimmy searched for words, as he thought about his dream, "just…"

Thomas smiled, "it must have been a particularly horrifying dream to have you at a loss for words, should I get you something? Jimmy?"

"Thomas, I will just see you later okay."

With that Jimmy went inside his room and closed the door behind him.

He leaned against the door recalling his dream. It had been so real, so intense. He was sweating, his breathing was still slightly heavy, and as he replayed every moment of his dream in his mind, his heart beat quickened, his breathing became more and more erratic, as his body became hot.

He remembered the feeling of excitement… the rush of desires… the kiss. Jimmy touched his lips, at the thought of them kissing, it was like Thomas's lips had been on his, he remembered thinking how Thomas had tasted of smoke and coffee, and how his lips had been gentle but passionate. Jimmy felt aroused, his whole body felt hot with desire.

He closed his eyes, and tried to push away his thoughts of Thomas and him being together. He walked towards his bed, and reached out for the glass of water on his bedside table. He drank some of it, and splashed the rest on his face.

I love Thomas as a friend, a _friend_ and nothing, _nothing_ more, he thought to himself. I like women, I like to sleep with women, and I like to _kiss_ women, he convincingly thought to himself.

"Women _not_ Thomas," he whispered to himself, as if saying it would make the dream go away, would make Mrs. Hughes words less daunting, in fact downright silly. He concentrated harder and harder at what he was saying, hoping that the words will drown out everything else. He sat on his bed, feeling exhausted by the rush of conflicting emotions, and thoughts.

The only defense against him liking Thomas was that he was not interested in him in even remotely a sexual manner. Women had always aroused him, he always fancied women, and so him being in love with Thomas was out of question. Because to be in love, one had to surely fancy someone, want to be with him or her in _that way_, he had thought. Mrs. Hughes had been wrong, but- what about the dream? He thought, why the fuck did I dream about the night Thomas came into my room? Why did I kiss him back? _Why?_

* * *

Jimmy closed his eyes, enjoying the cold breeze on his face. The last few hours, felt like a hazy memory of events from years ago. He felt exhausted, confused, irritated, angry and oddly alone.

He had gotten dressed after Thomas had knocked on his door again, telling him to hurry up. He had mechanically put on his uniform, without even putting an iota of a thought behind what he was doing. He had made his way downstairs, telling himself to ignore Thomas, and not to talk to him until and unless it was absolutely necessary. But as soon as Thomas had looked at him, he had smiled back; it had been absolutely involuntary, smiling at Thomas, felt like the most natural thing, but what truly bothered him, was how warm and peaceful he felt, at the sight of Thomas smiling back at him.

He had pushed that thought away, and had gone about his business.

As he had served, he had tried not to look at the Marquis, but he had looked, and caught him staring at Thomas. So he had tried very hard not to be bothered by it, after all, he was most certainly was not interested in Thomas, in _that _way. But he had failed in that endeavor, and thus had had his jaw clenched in a mixture of irritation and anger and himself and the Marquis, through most of the dinner.

During the servant's dinner, he had consciously sat with Alfred, and away from Thomas. Who had looked at him, when he had done so, questioningly, he had even gestured towards the chair next to him, telling him to come sit next to him. But Jimmy had just shrugged and started talking to Belle, who had come and sat next to him, by that time. He had flirted with her half-heartedly, catching Thomas's eye every now and then, but quickly looking away.

When most of the people had finished and gone, Thomas had leaned in and reminded him of meeting him in the courtyard, telling him he had something important to share. And so half an hour later, Jimmy stood in the cold waiting for Thomas, when he heard footsteps behind him, he turned expecting it to be Thomas, ready to tell him he wasn't feeling well, and then walking away, and back into his room. But it wasn't Thomas; it was Belle, making her way to him. He winced; the last thing he wanted was to have someone flirt with him. He had barely entertained her advances as they sat next to each other at dinner, but he didn't think he had the patience for it anymore.

"It's a beautiful night, isn't it?" she asked, trying to sound seductive, which absolutely irritated Jimmy.

He nodded, still looking away, when she came and stood even closer to him, "are you waiting here for Thomas?"

"Yes."

"You may have to wait longer, Mr. Carson called him into his office."

Jimmy turned around, "why?"

"I don't know, but it seemed important…"

He sighed; he was too tired to wait any longer. This day had drawn on, and he didn't have any patience left to endure it anymore. All he wanted was to be in his room, on his bed, surrounded by darkness, and to empty his mind of all the weird thoughts he had been having, and sleep.

"I think', I'll go to my room then, if you see Thomas can you tell him I was too tired so I went to my room?" he asked, and before she could answer, he thanked her and started to walk away, when she held his hand and stopped him.

"Jimmy let's stop beating around the bush, shall we?"

He looked at her, and jerked her hand away, "I don't know what you mean."

"I like you," she said, "and I can tell you like me too."

"I do not," he said flatly, he hoped she will back down, embarrassed at her presumption, but instead she just smiled.

"That's even better then."

"What do you mean?"

"I am not interested in getting married, or having a romance or falling in love, or any of that non sense."

"So? What am I supposed to do with that knowledge?"

"I am not interested in any of that, but I am interested in sex," she said bluntly.

Jimmy raised his eyebrow, "So?" he asked again.

She stepped closer to him, "do I have to explain everything? Really Jimmy, I thought you were a man of the world, and not a hopeless romantic like Alfred, who thinks of nothing but love and children. I have needs, other than romance, and you are a man, so I am assuming you have needs too."

Jimmy finally understood what she meant, what she was offering to him. She wanted to sleep with him.

He stared at her intently, looking at her face. She had big blue eyes, brown hair that was tucked in a neat bun, a small mole on her upper lip, and her lips were plump and inviting, her neck was long and slender. She was the kind of girl Jimmy usually went for, he noted, but for some reason he had never felt attracted towards Belle. In spite of her beauty, and she was very beautiful, and her flirting, he had never cared much about her. He may have flirted with her playfully sometimes, but he didn't like her. He had never been interested in her, and felt her persistent flirting was more irritating than anything else.

But if he were honest with himself, months ago, if a woman, even half as beautiful as Belle, would have propositioned him to have sex with her, he would not have thought twice about it. But today he was staring at her, with no answer, no opinion on what she had just offered, and that scared him.

"So?" she asked, waiting for an answer.

He could tell she was getting impatient, but he didn't care, he felt paralyzed with fear at the revelation, he had just had- that he had felt _nothing_ at her proposition.

Why hadn't he started kissing her yet? Why didn't he start grabbing at her clothes, pushing her to the dark corner of the courtyard, desperate to be inside of her? Was it because…

No, he thought, no, no, no- he repeated, I am not- I can't be, I am a man, a _real _man-

He looked at Belle, who was at the end of her patience. He looked down at her body, her small breasts, her pinched waist, and ample hips. His eyes then travelled to her naturally pink lips.

"Seriously Jimmy," Belle said, finally, "I thought you weren't a wide eyed boy, but an experienced _man_, otherwise I would not have said anything. You can forget all about it now," with that she started to walk away.

Jimmy grabbed her arm and pulled her back to him, pressing her against his body, he looked into her eyes, " I am a man," he whispered before kissing her.

He soon started grabbing at her clothes, as they both started to recede away into the darkness.

His mind was blank, as he went through what he had to do, as mechanically as he had put his clothes on that evening. Kiss, suck, grope, when he pulled away, his eyes looking behind her for a second before burying his head into the nape of her neck. But a second was enough; he saw a man standing a little away from them, he knew it was Thomas, looking at them.

He slowed down for a second; worried that Thomas might feel hurt, seeing them together. But that thought was quickly pushed away, when he asked himself why did he care about what Thomas would think when he had a beautiful woman, moaning in his arms?

He shouldn't care about Thomas now, he thought, reluctantly continuing with what he was doing, focusing on making Belle moan louder and louder, after all that's what men did…

* * *

Thomas turned around and walked back to his room. He kept his head down, his pace fast, and his face emotion-less. It was only when he was in the safety of his dark room that he sunk to the ground and let himself cry.

He had been happy- excited at the thought of telling his friend about his feelings. He had been happy, he was smiling, feeling giddy, as he had remembered the Marquis smiling at him, flirting with him, when his eyes ha fallen on Jimmy and Belle. Seeing them together, Jimmy holding Belle, kissing her, made him feel like someone had wrenched his heart out of his chest and crushed it.

"I was over this! I was over…over him", he said to himself, gasping for air, as he broke into a fit of tears.

He had thought he was over this; he was over his ridiculous love for a man who was incapable of feeling the same. He had thought that every inch of him had accepted that the man he loved could never be anything more than his friend, could never look at him in the same way.

It had been going perfectly, they had become great friends, sharing their happiness, their secrets, and their sadness with one another. He had even started teasing Jimmy about women; it had pinched him, yes, even as he had teased Jimmy about women. But by and large, he had thought he had buried everything away, in some deep corner of his soul.

He had been moving on... he had found Louis, the charming Marquis that seemed to like him. But seeing Jimmy with another woman had shattered his illusion, and the realization dawned on him, that a part of him was still in love with that man…

And that realization did nothing but saddened him more, because he knew that his love will never be returned…

What if Belle and he start seeing each other? He thought, what if what he saw, he would have to endure forever, as they flirt, hold hands, steal kisses and tease each other in front of him.

"What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I love him? Why!" he said, he gasped for air, and fresh tears streamed down his cheeks, "today its Belle, tomorrow it can be some other woman. And I will have to see it all, I will have to be the good friend, the supportive friend, all the while hoping that I could be in that bitch's place. Wishing, that I could hold his hand, tease him, share an intimate joke, kiss him... taste him."

* * *

Jimmy entered his room and immediately started to strip his clothes with frantic urgency. He felt disgusting, he felt filthy with himself, with what he had done.

He could still feel her touch on his skin, he could still feel the wet kisses, and hot breath, the digging nails, and it made him sick. He didn't know what had come over him, why he had taken hold of her, why he had kissed her. As soon as she had said, 'man', something had possessed him. He had felt like he had to prove something, and that sleeping with her was the way to do it.

He closed his eyes, as he recalled seeing Thomas there, standing still at a distance. I should have stopped then, he thought to himself, he had wanted to stop, a part of him did anyway, a part of him had wanted to push away Belle at that point, but a part of him felt even more determined to prove how much of a man he was, and that part had won.

His movements had become more urgent after that, his hands had cupped her breasts; he had pushed her against a wall, pulling her skirt up, touching her, fingering her, thrusting inside her- all the while he had felt like he had to show him. Show him that he didn't affect him, that he couldn't change him, that he would always want women, only women.

He walked to his dressing table, and stared at his reflection, his neck had marks, reminding him of what he had done. He felt sick and disgusted by his actions. Not only had he used Belle, for proving something, he was sure he had also hurt a friend.

"What the fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck am I doing? What is happening to me?"


	5. Chapter 5

Firstly, I am sorry for not updating soon enough. Secondly, Thank you so much, to everyone fro such positive feedback. I would love to hear from more of you, and know about what you felt about the chapter. I promise to update more frequently from now on.

Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Lots of love,

Pooja

CHAPTER 5

Louis looked out his room's window, with a pensive expression on his face, as he clutched the letter in his hand, when he heard a gentle knock on his door.

"Come in."

"Sorry, I just needed to put back your coat for tonight dinner, back."

Louis smiled, "Thomas, you do not need to apologize for coming to my room," he stated, turning around to see him.

"I am glad I am not disturbing you."

"Not at all, I was just reading letters, boring thing, is it not?"

"I wouldn't know, don't get any," Thomas replied, as he hung the dinner jacket in the closet.

"Not one?"

"Well once in a while, maybe."

"Well, I would say you are lucky, my man."

"Not having anyone out in the world who wants to know how am I doing? I wouldn't call that lucky."

Louis smirked, "if it the choice between having no one and having my mother, I would go with no one."

"Is something the matter?"

"No, Just my mother being her usual insolent self. Commanding me to do things I don't want to, sometimes, I feel, she still thinks of me as a wide eyed eight year old, and not the forty year old, that I am."

Thomas smiled slightly at the remark.

Louis smiled, "it's good to see you smile, you looked very solemn in the morning."

Thomas looked at Louis, suddenly feeling exposed, "well, mother's tend to treat you like a child forever, or so I have been told," he said, in an effort to change the subject.

"Yes," Louis agreed, looking at Thomas inquisitively, "they do, but my mother has her own special variety of misery, that is not the same as a mother caring for her child no matter what age they may reach."

Thomas nodded awkwardly, "well, I should leave you to your private letters, I am needed downstairs."

Louis continued to look at Thomas in a peculiar manner before asking, "Is everything alright?"

"Yes, why won't it be?"

"You look …sad."

Thomas stiffened, before he smirked, "no, just slept really late, was talking to a friend, he was sad about something, he needed help."

"Who may this friend be? Jimmy? The boy you frequently talk about?"

"No, another friend, I really have to go now, Mr. Carson needed me to help with the wine for tonight's supper. He wants everything perfect, for Mrs. Warden's arrival."

"Yes, yes of course, Mrs. Warden, she was a friend of mine and Mary, when we were growing up. Of course back then she was just Lizzy."

Thomas smiled, "I shall see you in an hour?"

"Yes, that sounds perfect."

Louis smiled, as he saw Thomas depart from his room, he walked back to the window, and opened it slightly, enjoying the cold breeze on his face, as he thought about his mother's letter.

* * *

Jimmy sat at the table, sipping his third cup of tea that day, as he thought about the past few days, the fair, Louis, Thomas, Mrs. Hughes and Belle. He felt sick with confusion, as tried to make sense of it all. He felt like he was drowning, and nothing could save him. He was scared, scared of things changing, scared of what it all meant. He didn't want to think anymore, he didn't want to make sense of the mess he was in. He felt scared that if he did, the meaning of it all would be worse than the pain of the mess itself.

He just wanted to bury everything in some deep corner of his mind, and never think about any of it. Especially the dream… it still haunted him, whenever he looked at Thomas, all he could think about was his dream. So he had just avoided his friend. Not sat next to him, or talk to him all day. But he didn't know what was worse, replaying the dream in his mind, or not being able to talk to Thomas.

He remembered the way Thomas looked that morning, how miserable he looked. How his eyes were as tired as his…

Jimmy had spent the whole of breakfast looking over at Thomas, who had just stared at his untouched plate, looking sad, and broken. He had felt a twinge in his heart, seeing him like that. He had wanted to talk to him, he still did. But he was stopping himself.

"Jimmy, what are you thinking of, sitting here all by yourself?"

Jimmy looked at Belle, who was now sitting beside him; he smiled, in an effort to be polite.

"Nothing."

Belled smiled at him, "do not lie to me, you were thinking of something, something, that may have happened last night?" she asked suggestively.

Jimmy took a deep breath, to calm himself, before he whispered to her, "Belle that was a mistake."

"Mistake? Well it may have been a mistake, but it was a pleasant mistake. A mistake I hope we shall do again soon…"

"Belle…" Jimmy stopped talking, when they heard someone run towards the backdoor.

"Someone seems to be in a hurry," Belle commented, "What is the matter with him?"

Jimmy kept looking at the door Thomas had just walked out of, "I don't know," he said with concern.

"Hmm… that is odd, come to think of it, he has been odd all day."

Jimmy felt concerned for Thomas, he had been sad all day. He wanted to talk to him, wanted to make sure everything was fine, but he wasn't sure how to do that anymore. He didn't know how to talk to him, how to be there for him, especially with everything that was on his mind, he was scared that he would make it worse somehow…

* * *

Thomas breathed out smoke from his lungs, enjoying the few seconds of solitude he had before he had to go back into Downton, and fulfill his role as the under-butler. That was the only thing that kept him going, that made him get up that morning, and not just lie there on his bed in a fetal position, wishing the pain away.

He felt tears form in his eyes as he thought about the night before, the image of Belle and Jimmy seemed to be seared in his mind. It didn't help, that at breakfast and luncheon, Jimmy had sat with her, right across from Thomas. He had caught glimpses of her leaning over to Jimmy, and whispering things to him, smiling at him, touching his hand for the tiniest bit, and then pulling away, pretending it to be an accident.

Thomas felt depressed and angry at his weakness, his inability to stop loving a man who could not love him back.

Seeing Louis, was somehow painful too, he couldn't bring himself to be at ease around the Marquis, knowing, that he was still in love with Jimmy.

He took a final drag from his cigarette before throwing it to the ground, when he heard Jimmy's voice.

"I thought you'd be here."

"Why? Did you need me for something?"

"No, no, you just seemed… sad, so I thought I'd come and talk to you."

"Well," Thomas said, forcing a smile at Jimmy, "you need not bother, I am perfectly fine,"

"You don't seem, 'perfectly fine'."

"You don't know me well enough to know when I am lying."

"I do know, and I know you are lying to me."

Thomas looked at Jimmy, "why do you even care?"

"I am your friend Thomas."

"Friend!" Thomas repeated, turning to face Jimmy.

"Why do you sound so surprised, we are friends Thomas, I care for you."

"Do you? Well tell me, is that why you have ignored me for better part of the day today? Or that why you _fucked _that stupid girl, last night?" Thomas finally said, letting his frustrations get the best of him.

"Thomas…"

"No tell me, why did you have sex with her?"

Jimmy stared at Thomas, he had never seen him this aggravated. He felt Thomas's eyes piercing his own, as he waited for his answer, but Jimmy didn't have one. He didn't know what had come over him, he had never liked Belle, never fancied her, but last night he took her like a desperate man. He didn't know what had come over him, all he knew was he needed to prove something…

"Tell me," Thomas said again, in a demanding manner, cutting through Jimmy's thoughts.

"Why do you care?" Jimmy finally replied.

"Because…" Thomas stopped and took a deep breath before he spoke again, "because I want to know, how someone you did not have any interest in what so ever, suddenly seem so goddamn appealing to you that you just had to have sex with her in the backyard, of all places."

"Again, why do you care who I sleep with? I am a man, Thomas, a hot-blooded man, so naturally…"

"Naturally? What?" Thomas said, cutting off Jimmy, "what? You had the sudden need to prove your manliness, so you fuck her anywhere you please, do you even realize how stupid that was? How stupid you are for …"

"At least I wait till I am in a lone backyard, in the dark Thomas, unlike you, who flaunts his flirtations in broad day light."

"Whatever do you mean?"

Jimmy took few steps towards Thomas, "at least I don't laugh, and flirt and blush like a girl, and hang on to a certain Marquis's every god damn word in front of everybody. Or do you think no one notices how, very smitten you are? Even Alfred pointed out, that you two looked like lovebirds yesterday, and frankly, it's pathetic," he replied in a low but angered tone.

Thomas instantly backed away, the anger on his face replaced by sadness and embarrassment, "you are right, you don't, because… you are a man, right?"

Jimmy's face softened at Thomas's words, "Thomas…"

"No, you don't need to say anything," with that Thomas turned around and walked away.

Jimmy cursed a loud, as he saw his friend walk away from him. He couldn't believe what he had just done, what he had just said.

"What the fuck is wrong with me! How the hell do I keep making it worse!"

* * *

"Are you alright?"

Jimmy looked up, and rolled his eyes as he looked away, "Everything is splendid, Mrs. Hughes."

"Thomas has gone to the village."

"I did not ask."

"You did not have to. I saw you looking at his empty chair, all through supper."

Jimmy clenched his jaw, "Mrs. Hughes, I do not know why you think what you think, but it is not true. Thomas and I are just friends."

"I am sorry, James," she said, as she took a seat next to him, "if I said or implicated something about you and Thomas that was out of line."

Jimmy looked at her, surprised at the honesty.

"But, I do believe that you should let Thomas be."

"I care about him Mrs. Hughes, and I was just worried for him, I was worried that he and the Marquis."

"It is none of our business James, Especially yours."

Jimmy stiffened, "what do you mean, that I should not care…"

"You can care for him, as much as you want, but you cannot let him make you, his life. These past months, you both have become close friends, and Thomas talks to you, cares for you, looks after you, and we both know why."

"It is because I am his friend."

"Is that what you tell yourself? He loves you James, and I think, if you do not feel the same, you should give him space to heal, to fall out of love."

"He does not love me anymore, we are past that."

"Well he is getting there, he seems to fancy the Marquis, and you should let him."

Jimmy looked away, feeling angry at what she said, "he will get hurt."

"You do not know that."

"You did not see the Marquis tonight, he flirted with Mrs. Jones throughout supper."

"Even if he did, James, let Thomas fall for another man."

"Even of he gets hurt!"

"Do not raise your voice at me young man."

"I am sorry Mrs. Hughes, but I cannot…"

"Cannot what? Let Thomas love another man?"

Jimmy looked at her.

"James," Mrs. Hughes continued, "even if it does not work between them, even if he breaks Thomas's heart, Thomas will be free after it."

"What do you mean?"

"He will be free of you, of what ever he feels for you, and having his heart broken by a man who would soon go back to his life, is better that being in love with the man he sees everyday. At least he will not live under some false hope, some illusion that you may someday love him. Or worst, he won't love a man, who he knows cannot love him, but whom he loves nonetheless, because he cannot help himself."

"Mrs. Hughes…" Jimmy stopped talking when he heard the backdoor bang open. He turned around to see Thomas stumble in; he got up from his chair and ran to his friend.

"Thomas, where have you been?"

Thomas looked at him and smiled drunkenly, "Jimmy-o-boy!"

"What? And what happened to you, you look like you got mugged," he said, looking at Thomas's disheveled stated.

"And you look so very handsome today," Thomas said, as he struggled to put one foot before the other.

"Are you drunk?"

Thomas smiled, "I… I may be… sli…sligh…little bit," he managed to say, before stumbling.

Jimmy immediately stepped forward to support his friend.

"How much did you have to drink Thomas?" Mrs. Hughes asked, looking concerned.

"Enough… I'll say," Thomas said, "but, Shhh! Do not let Mr. Carson know, or he will kill me," he whispered.

"James, please take him to his room, and make sure he gets to bed."

Jimmy nodded, and escorted his friend towards his room.

* * *

"_I found my love in Avalon__, __beside the bay.__I left my love in Avalon__  
__And I sailed away.__I dream of her in Avalon__, __from dusk till dawn. So I think I'll travel on__,__ to Avalon…"_

"Thomas, just stop singing!"

"I shall do, as I please Mr. Kent."

"Well, if you do not shut up, Mr. Carson would come up, and fire both of us!"

"That old bastard! Why are we so afraid of him anyway, we are free people!"

"Well not under this roof, we are not," Jimmy whispered.

"Then we shall rebel!"

"No, you will not."

"Oh I will."

"No you will not."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because you are drunk, and when you wake up next morning, you will be back to your senses and will know again that rebelling Mr. Carson is like poking a hungry lion."

"Aargh!" Thomas growled, before stumbling. But he pushed away Jimmy, when he offered to help.

"At least see where you are going, you almost fell, _again_," Jimmy said, sounding irritated.

"You know, my mother used to tell me, after we fall, we have to get up, and when we do, that proves our strength."

"So you want to fall, and get up, just to prove to me that you are strong?"

"I don't have anything to prove to yo-" Thomas stopped mid sentence as he almost tripped but Jimmy held his arm just in time to prevent him from falling.

"Be careful!"

"I am always careful."

"No you are not!"

"I deny that acquis- acqua- what the bloody hell is that word?"

"Acquisition?"

"Yes! I deny it!"

"Yes, because you _only_, almost fell over for the fifth time, not to mention you actually did fall over, once."

"I don't appreciate the sarcasm Mr. Kent."

Jimmy sighed, and wrapped his arm around Thomas's waist to help him walk.

"I don't…" Thomas began protesting.

"Yes, you do, I don't care how much you think you can walk on your own, I am helping you, and I don't want to hear any complaints from you."

"Ooo, bossy Mr. Kent, it suits you."

"Does it?"

"Yes, you look very good, bossing around."

"Do I now?"

"Yes, very very good," Thomas said, looking at Jimmy, "and you also smell very nice, did I ever say that to you before?"

"No, no you did not," Jimmy whispered, feeling slightly uncomfortable.

"Well, you do, musky, with a hint of… I do not know, something, something sweet."

"Really?"

"Yes," Thomas said nodding.

"Good to know, now, here is your room."

Jimmy opened the room, and helped Thomas inside the room. He then kicked the door behind him before helping Thomas to his bed.

"I'm thirsty, it is so hot in this room," Thomas said as he took off his jacket.

Jimmy walked to the dresser, where Thomas kept his jug of water, and poured him a glass. He looked back, to see Thomas having trouble unbuttoning his shirt.

"Here, you go," he said, handing him water.

Thomas looked up, and gladly took the glass, and drank its entire contents in a few gulps, before going back to his shirt.

"Here, let me help," Jimmy said, as he sat next to Thomas and began unbuttoning his shirt.

"Thank you very much."

"Why are these buttons put wrong? And why does you hair look like that? Did you really get mugged?" he asked concerned for his friend.

Thomas smiled, "No, no… I just" he said, with a smirk, "I just, met somebody, and well, something's may have happened."

Jimmy stiffened, "what things?" he asked, unbuttoning the last button.

"Well, I was at the bar, having whiskey, and this man walked up to me, and I did not remember him, he remembered me."

"Remembered you?"

"Yes," Thomas said, as he took off his shirt, "he was a boy then, he used to help the game-keeper, as his assistant of sorts." Thomas said with a smile, "and he had the biggest crush on me. He would watch me, and stare at me, from the corner of his eyes. Always try and talk to me, and be nice to me."

Jimmy clenched his jaw, "so? What does that have to do now?"

"Well, I slept with him, then," Thomas stated, in a drunken haze, not bothering with what information he divulged.

"What?"

"Yes, Oh! He was so naive then, so eager to please. And then today, he walked up to me, and asked me if I remembered. I told him I did not, he looked so different, so very handsome, big, with these toned arms, and this broad chest. And he asked me if I wanted to go somewhere."

"I do not want hear more."

Thomas held his hand and stopped him from getting up.

"It felt so good, Jimmy, so good," he whispered, looking ahead, recalling what had happened, oblivions to Jimmy's growing discomfort.

"The way he touched me, and kissed me, and licked me, put his hands through my hair and whispered in my ear, it all felt so good, so incredible. I had forgotten how it felt to be wanted to very desperately…"

"Thomas I have had enough, I do not want to hear…"

"But then… then, I told him to stop."

"What?" Jimmy looked at him, "why?"

"He opened my shirt, and he was kissing my chest," he said, "When I told him to stop. It felt so good, Jimmy, but I told him to stop."

"Why?" Jimmy whispered after while, " why did you tell him to stop?"

"Because," he said, finally looking at him, "it felt… wrong. It felt wrong because, because…I kept thinking that it wasn't you, and it felt wrong," Thomas said, as a knot formed in his throat.

"Thomas…" Jimmy felt his breath quicken at the revelation.

"You were right, I should not care,' Thomas continued to say, in a moment of drunken bravery, uninhibited by what he should say and what he should not. Uncaring about what might happen, what might Jimmy say, he continued, to say what he had wanted to for so long.

"I should not care that you slept with that dumb girl, but I do, I care so much," he said, holding back his tears.

"I saw you and Belle last night… I just saw you both kissing, and then you pushed her towards the shadows…" Thomas babbled, "and I knew, I knew what happened, what you did. And… it should have been fine, it should have been absolutely fine, it shouldn't have mattered, but… but it did. It was like the day I kissed you, and then Alfred came in, and you pushed me out. I- I felt so…" Thomas turned himself to face Jimmy, as he contemplated what he wanted to say next.

"It felt like my soul had been sucked from my body."

"I felt so… so" Thomas continued, as his voice began to crack, "overwhelmed by this sadness, and I should not have felt that way! I shouldn't have! We are friends now, and you do not, you cannot love me, and I thought I liked Louis," he paused at the Marquis name, and smiled for a second.

Jimmy saw the change in his friend's expression and felt a sick twinge in his heart.

"I do like Louis, or I thought I did, but then I saw you with another woman, and I… I broke Jimmy, I broke," he took a deep breath, as tears started falling down is cheeks.

"I cried, it was as if no time had passed, as if I was outside your door again, and my heart was breaking all over again as I realized how wrong I had been, and how you could never love me. You can never love me." He repeated as tears began rolling down his cheek.

"Thomas," Jimmy said in a comforting manner.

"No…" Thomas said, before finally bursting into tears, "You cannot love me. But I love you. I love you."

Jimmy felt overwhelmed by the need to comfort him; he wanted to take all of Thomas's pain away. He shifted closer to Thomas and wrapped one arm around him.

"You were right," Thomas said, "I am so pathetic."

"No, you are not," Jimmy whispered to him, as he stroked his back, in a comforting manner. "I was wrong, Thomas, you are not pathetic."

"I am I am pathetic and alone, so very alone. I have no one but of course I have always been alone…"  
"No you are not, you have me."

"You?" Thomas sighed, "you are my friend, yes and I value you but you are not my lover. I just want that Jimmy, I want… I need to have a – a sanctuary, a person, I can go to, a person I love, who loves me. I have always wanted that. You are not somebody that I can hold in my arms as we sleep, you are not someone I can kiss, and touch and be with, you don't love me Jimmy, you _never_ can, and you have made that very clear." Thomas said, before he broke into a fit of tears.

Jimmy awkwardly patted Thomas's shoulder, trying to comfort him. He

Jimmy felt a rush of guilt and sadness as he saw Thomas unravel and confess his emotions to him, he felt disgusted with himself for causing the sadness he saw in his friend.

"Thomas," he said after a while, "I know it is…it is hard. But, you are strong."

"Oh my Lord!" Thomas said, in response.

"No! No really you are strong and…"

"And what? Jimmy. Don't you get it? It does not matter how strong I may be, I am going to be alone, because I live in a time, when I can not be myself."

"I know, but you will get through this," Jimmy insisted, in an effort to be there for his friend.

Thomas started laughing, and wiped his tears.

"Of course I will, what other bloody choice do I have? I love you, but you don't love me. I love Louis, but he does not… or I don't quite know if he does…"

Jimmy stiffened, and suddenly felt numb in his body, he looked at Thomas, who kept blabbering, but Jimmy did not pay attention, the words "I love Louis", seemed to be echoing in his mind.

"You _love _Louis?" he asked hesitantly.

Thomas paused and looked at him, his face was pinched, as he thought about Jimmy's question.

"Do you?"

"No, I mean, I like him… I like him a lot. But I don't know, if I like him, or is it just nice to have a man pay attention to me," he paused, as he thought of Louis, "The way he looks at me, and smiles. He keeps trying to be over friendly, and sweet, flirtatious, even. It's nice."

Jimmy felt like his stomach had dropped into an endless pit as he heard Thomas talk about Louis. He felt this overwhelming sense of fear for some reason. He also felt angry, at the way Thomas blushed, as he recalled their moments together.

Thomas looked at him and smiled.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes," Jimmy said, forcing smile, "I am."

"You don't look very well," Thomas, said, squinting his eyes, "You look like you want to punch something."

"Nothing like that."

Thomas leaned in slightly, "No, I can tell, you are forcing a smile, but are also grinding your teeth. Who do you want to punch?"

"I do not want to punch anybody Thomas."

"You do."

"I do not."

"Don't lie."

"I am not."

"Rose."  
Jimmy looked at him, puzzled, "Rose, who?"

"Rose, you."

"What?"

"You," Thomas leaned in a bit more, and sniffed Jimmy, "rose, you smell of rose, that sweet scent you have, that is rose, is it not?" Thomas asked looking into Jimmy's eyes. He moved his hand to Jimmy's face, brushing his cheek gently with the back of his hand. He smiled, uncaring of the boldness of his actions.

Jimmy felt transfixed in that moment as he looked into Thomas's blue eyes. Their closeness, made his stomach stir. His throat felt dry, and his breath heavy, as he felt Thomas graze his hand against his cheek. He felt something, he did not fully understand what, but he didn't dare move. He was scared, of what might happen, but he didn't know what was he more scared of, what might happen if he moved, or what might happen if he didn't.

Before he could make sense of the rush of emotions he felt, Thomas's lips touched his, in the softest, barest of kisses.

* * *

Please do review/leave a comment/criticism, it helps to improve the story and I would love to hear from all of you!

Love,

P


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